Sunny in Seattle

The shitty friend dilemma is a viscous cycle. Don’t we all have that friend? (Maybe I wish more people did so I didn’t feel so alone on this.) You know, the shitty friend that you were once close to and can still re-hash feelings of fondness every blue moon but most of the time whenever you get off the phone or look at their Facebook page you get the ugliest of feelings in the pit of your stomach.  Oh, just me? Well, please keep reading and try to help me sort this one out.

I’m almost 30 (as in, I’m too old for this shit). I’m also a good airplane ride away (as in, I really don’t HAVE to deal with this shit if I really didn’t want to). I’ve been teetering back and forth about this bridge. In the past handful of years that bridge has gone from being as solid as the 520 Toll Bridge and as weak as a rope tied bridge douched in gasoline. There’s SO much history but really that is it. I’ve asked friends what to do but really with most things in life no one can really tell you what to do. Some friends see the toxicity themselves, others (upon meeting her) kind of look at me like I’m crazy.  

I’ve pondered the silent disappearance act but have been shamefully called out on it and shamefully couldn’t fess up and say, “Yes…I’m totally trying to avoid you.” I’ve pondered the long conversation talk but realize that the differences just ARE. And maybe that’s just it…maybe we are two people that would never in a million years be friends with each other if we were to meet now. It just so happens that we have been “friends” a million years.

I chose to write about this because when time passes and we haven’t spoken, I’m happy but then this guilty feeling settles in my tummy…then I start to get paranoid about the things she probably— okay most likely— says about me. Then I peek on Facebook and get even uglier feelings and thoughts, “Oh she talks to <insert random mutual> still?” and on rare occasion I’ll feel like I actually miss her. Most of the time though I am rolling my eyes about the content I read and/or I’ll read into a generic hateful/negative comment she posts and think it is about me.

I know if I never were to talk to her I’d miss her. I know when I talk to her I feel annoyed by the nature of the conversation (mostly negativity towards anything and anyone). I know sometimes when I talk to her I feel happy and fulfilled because I haven’t given up on an ol’ friendship.

I don’t know what to do, clearly. (shrug) Thoughts?